Shower Beer Vol XLIX: Stuff We’re Watching

Hey there fellow movie and television fans. If you've ever listened to our podcast you know that the second segment of our show is called our "protein shake" where each bro discusses things that are "in our cup", or what have we watched lately. Well recently I've been watching too much shit to bring up on just the podcast, so with the help of our creative team (Nate Thurmond) we decided to blog about a few of the things we've seen recently that we wanted to discuss that we might have left out.

We're naming it after the greatest pre-gaming invention of the 21st century, the shower beer!

Here are the things I've seen lately as well as the link to their IMDB page if you want a little bit more info to see if it's something down your alley. In addition, I write Letterboxd reviews for all the movies I see without any spoilers, but I might go into a bit more detail in this blog than I do over there.

1) The Christmas Contract - (Netflix) Take the cast of One Tree Hill and throw them into a Hallmark Christmas movie level script…add two shots of whiskey on my end and you have something that is pretty watchable. The plot here is paint by numbers, but the performances are actually kinda solid. The movie is primarily set in Louisiana which is what gives it a bit of a unique approach to the whole Christmas romance that just can’t and won’t happen tropes. There’s one dude in the town who you can tell dropped out of school in third grade and spent the next 30 years of his life in overalls on a pontoon boat cursing at dem crawfish. His backstory is what we really needed more of, but I’m sure that’s in the pipeline.

2) A Merry Little Ex-Mas - (Netflix) I'm not sure what kind of offers Alicia Silverstone is getting these days, but even this feels a bit beneath her. Oliver Hudson pops up again as he's a total whore for these Netflix movies, and the premise is nothing we haven't seen a thousand times. Melissa Joan Hart pops up in a few scenes which is always fun, but the well is totally dried up for me when it comes to the couple at Christmas who broke up and the holidays somehow bring them back together. The kids in this are pretty fun though and there are a few laughs derived from their parents new significant others vying for their affection. Ultimately among the tens of Christmas movies that come out every year on streaming services this one is very forgettable.

3) Jingle Bell Heist - (Netflix) We get a little more poured into the production budget here, and it shows. I'm a big fan of Olivia Holt from Totally Killer, and Heart Eyes. In this movie though no one is trying to murder her so that took me a second to adjust too. The plot is super fun and gives me like adult Home Alone vibes. I'm always a sucker for a good heist movie, and the set up here has a few twists and turns that I did not see coming. Setting the movie in a department store is always a good idea for a Christmas film. I feel like I could infiltrate any upscale party and get information from an eccentric billionaire when I watch movies like this. Don't try to tell me that's not a good thing. If Netflix suggests you give this thing a poke they probably know what you're into and I'd listen to them. I was very pleasantly surprised, and this might make it's way into my every other year Christmas movie rotation.

4) Haul Out The Holly: Lit Up - (Digital rental) I think we all remember where we were when the original "Haul Out The Holly" came out in 2022. I skipped the birth of my first child to stream it when it debuted. We swore then and there that if they didn't give us a sequel within two years we would fucking riot, and they knew how serious we were. That brings us to this film. Lacey Chabert returns as she has apparently made a blood oath to spare the lives of her children and star in eleven of these movies every holiday season. The film has antagonists that are supposed to be hateable, but God damn did I want to punch them in the face through my television screen. Some of the characters from the first one have pretty rapid transformations in this and seem like totally different people which is a little weird. I'm also convinced that this neighborhood exists in a multiverse of our own reality where no one needs to have a job to afford a $4 million dollar home because otherwise they wouldn't be able to focus on decorating their house for Christmas eleven months out of the year. If you liked the first Haul Out The Holly this might be worth giving a chance, but I don't think many people out there will be clamoring for a third entry.

5) The Great Christmas Snow-In - (Digital rental) When I clicked "purchase" to confirm my digital rental of this movie my fire stick asked me "is everything ok at home?". This is a total piece of shit that I had to watch in two sittings, and even then only finished because I'm a sick fuck who has a hard time not finishing movies. Joey Lawrence is clearly desolute and desperate, and I almost think I'd be less worried about him if he had a drug addiction or checked himself into rehab or something. I would say he's better than this, but I think the worst part of the situation is he really isn't. He gives an admirable performance, and there's an actor in this who looks like if you photocopied Javier Bardem, and then made a photo copy of that photo copy. I laughed a few times, but the hit percentage on the jokes in this one is below 20% which will get out DFA'ed even on the most offensively starved team. I can't imagine the budget being anything more than what it cost to bring in craft services for a few days as the entire movie takes place in one cabin, and only has four characters in it.

6) All I Want For Christmas - (Paramount +) Not only one of my favorite Christmas movies of all time, but one of my straight up favorite movies. Check out our top 100 movies list to see that I put my money where my mouth is. I watch this movie every year at Christmas, and while that might not seem like a big deal at first blush, think about how many great Christmas movies there are for one to be solidified in your every year rotation. Ethan Embry and Thora Birch are incredible as the leads, and Kevin Nealon provides a great bit of levity and goofiness from an early in his career performance. Think of this as The Parent Trap set at Christmas, but minus the whole long lost twins plot point. It gives you a nice slice of midtown Manhattan as well and we all love a good Christmas movie set in New York. The older I get the more I get nostalgic for the early 90's, and even though there isn't a lot in this that's dated, it just has that vibe that I really miss. If you've never seen this I cannot recommend it highly enough.

7) Christmas Eve in Miller's Point - (Hulu) I saw this movie pop up on a lot of "top 50 Christmas movies of all time" and I guess I'm the only one not smoking crack who watched it. What the fuck is this? I'm sorry if it feels like I'm shitting on more movies than normal in this squad blog, but I found this movie utterly insufferable. It's totally plotless, which I know is the point and it thinks it's very clever for being so. The performances, and specifically Michael Cera, are so fucking edgy and anti-cliche that they're impossible to watch and not roll your eyes. The script outline for this thing could've been two sentences and still covered more ground than the actual movie. There isn't an hours worth of runtime to be justified here let alone one hundred minutes. If you liked this movie I'm happy for you, but I'm going to need someone to explain it to me. A comedy movie that isn't funny, has a plot, and thinks it's cool to have characters who do nothing and say nothing of value is what this brings to the table. I wanted to walk out just like the kids at the Christmas party.

8) The Muppet Christmas Carol - (Disney +) Another movie not only atop my Christmas movie list, but in my top 100 movies of all time. This is also a staple in my every year Christmas movie rotation, which I believe only three other films can claim. Michael Caine is a revelation here, and is going for it so hard that not only do I respect it, but I unironically think this is an Oscar nomination worthy performance. He is the quintessential Scrooge, and surrounded by the muppets he elevates this story to a level it's never been before. The songs are almost all bangers and the opening scene alone is enough to justify the price of admission. If Jim Henson were alive to see this he would've been incredibly proud. Gonzo and Rizzo as Charles Dickens really help connect the audience to the story, and I've heard that this is honestly one of the most faithful adaptations of the actual Christmas Carol book that he wrote.

9) Avatar: The Way of Water - (Disney +) Prepping for the new Avatar movie I went back and rewatched the original, and this one for the first time this week. I still don't think it has any business at all being over three hours, but I did enjoy this one more than the first for more than just the incredible visuals. I found Sam Worthington less annoying in this, maybe because human Jake Sully is so fucking lame that by comparison the Navi version of him is infinitely more watchable. The Tukleta (not gonna check that spelling) tribe is pretty sick and I loved their tattoos. I imagined them as Zora versions of Dwayne the Rock Johnson...which yes is a Zelda reference. Stephen Lang is giving it all he's got, but holy shit is he a lame and boring villain. His only motivation throughout over five and a half hours of screentime is he wants to kill people he doesn't like because...war or something. Here James Cameron flirts with the idea of giving him a bit of humanity, but just can't resist the "no I bad like smash and blow up and use knife" cliches that ultimately overpower this thing. I will give Fire and Ash a poke at some point, but after watching the first two movies in the same week I need a bit of a break.

10) The Assistant (2019) - (Netflix) This movie is an hour of a woman making copies, answering phones, and sighing because her boss is an asshole. I have no idea why so many people found this movie brilliant or ground breaking. It's like an anti movie. Nothing happens, but damn do they tease a lot of stuff that could happen either off screen, or after the movie ends. We get it...Hollywood is a toxic industry. The irony of making a commercial film about that is not lost on me. Julia Garner bless her soul is a great actor and gives the best performance possible here, but there is literally no story. We end up in the exact same spot we were at the end of the movie as we were when it started. Except in the end we're frustrated because we watched this woman answer emails and clean up her bosses office for eighty minutes. Please tell me what I'm missing here.

-JH