Squad Review: ‘XXX: Return of Xander Cage’

By Jeff Hornassek

January 23, 2017

(Warning: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE in this post because I had to watch quite possibly the worst movie that mankind has ever put into theaters)

It’s pouring rain outside, I’m finishing up a glass of wine, and reflecting on the life choices I’ve made up to this point. What’s the reason for this self evaluation? I actually paid money this past weekend to watch the “film” (term is used as lightly as could possibly be used) ‘XXX: The Return of Xander Cage’. So my first question to Director DJ Caruso and Star/Executive Producer Vin Diesel, what the fuck did you just do?

Let me preface my complaining with this, I love awful movies; especially awful action movies. The Rush Hours? Can’t get enough of them. Con Air and Face Off? Fucking play that thing on a loop. The Remake of Point Break? …Bro no that’s where I draw the line–I said I like awful action movies not that I enjoy self torture.

I went into this movie with the lowest expectations. Hoping that Donnie Yen would do some awesome shit. Hoping that Ice Cube’s already spoiled cameo in the marketing campaign would make me laugh. Crossing my fingers that I wouldn’t have to watch too much of Tony Gonzalez. We ended up with two out of three.

I’ll summarize why this movie absolutely sucks so hard and why you shouldn’t see it, while letting you know that if anyone out there ever wants to watch an awful movie with me I am more than down, but this one was just offensive.

  1. The entire first act of the movie is literally pointless. SPOILERS AHEAD. The three biggest things that happen in the first 25 mins of this movie are A) Augustus Gibbons played by Samuel L. Jackson “dies” which does nothing to affect the movie except illustrate they couldn’t afford him to be in the rest of it. B) Xander Cage performs a completely meaningless stunt that sucked up half the movies budget that is actually a joke when it’s all said and done, and one which nobody will laugh at because like all other attempts at humor in this movie it’s like a white kid trying to dance….it’s a disgrace. C) The villains are introduced and shown to have no objective AT ALL, and are then chased by the good guys who also have no objective or way to explain why this movie is even happening. One dude gratuitously has a mouth piece that he keeps popping in and out of his mouth like he’s fucking Lebron James in between free throws the whole movie.
  2. The CGI in this movie (and believe me, it is shoved down your throat) looks on par with Sharknado from the SyFy channel. That is in no way hyperbole. There is an extended scene in the third act that culminates a horrific fight with Tony Gonzalez involved that looks like a drunk Jesse Eisenberg looking kid edited the effects in his college dorm room.
  3. This movie insults you with an ending that insinuates enough people will see it to make a sequel. So fucking cocky I wanted to throw up. Of course Hollywood always has a sequel in mind, but the fact that Revolution Studios had the balls to set up a sequel, and one with Ice Cube now involved with Vin Diesel makes me want to just end things all together. The worst part is it will probably happen.

In summation, XXX: The Return of Xander cage is the first Squad Review blog we have done. I would give it a 2/10, and the only reason I give it that score instead of a flat zero is that the movie was so boring that I had time during it to text some of my friends that I haven’t spoken to in a few months. It’s important to keep those relationships going you guys. Stay in touch with your loved ones.

Sound off in the comments below. Love all you guys.

-JH

 

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